The Fear.

At this stage in my life, I have come to term with the things that I cannot control but I have yet to come to terms with the kell. I don't know why I was the "lucky" individual to obtain it and not a male or why I received it and it remained undetected for so long.

All I know is that when I walked in to labor and deliver my daughter almost 4 years ago, I did not have it and when I walked out of the hospital with my baby girl in my arms, I did.

A blood transfusion. I received the antigen kell from the blood transfusion that saved my life after delivering my daughter. I have never expressed that I am so thankful to the individual who gave me my life and this opportunity; but I am also shaken. Had my husband and I decided that we would never have another child, this antigen would not even be a factor; but because we did, it was.

I will never understand why this antigen isn't screened in the blood before storing it in a blood bank for transfusions. I think I will question this for the rest of my life. Because the blood I received wasn't scanned, I received the antigen that almost killed our son while in utero. That could have killed him at any moment and that harbors a deep-rooted fear in my heart and soul that this could happen to another child and they could not be as lucky as our son was. This fear has lead me close to being sterilized.

Yes, I said sterilized. I took the mandated 2-hour course that my insurance requires because I don't want to risk the life of another child; but I can't quite pull the trigger, so to speak. How could I?

How could I not ever experience another life created by my husband and I growing inside me? Never again would I feel the swift kicks of a baby who is too big for my womb and ready to meet the world. It's a hard emotion and realization to put yourself through. I am 27-years-old, I didn't think I would be incapable of children or debating this at my age.